I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
