i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
