I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
