someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
