I hate all girls vehemently.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
