Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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