At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
