I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
