Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
