dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
