He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
