it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
