Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Randomize
