I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
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