our cab driver is having phone sex.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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