i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
