and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
How naked do you want me to be?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
