my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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