The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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