peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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