I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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