textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
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