I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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