I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
