New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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