I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
