I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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