Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
