after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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