Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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