did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I want her autograph on my taint
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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