hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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