i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
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