Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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