A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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