there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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