It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
