Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
