A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
