I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
