nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
