So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
