I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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