I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Randomize
