i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
