I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
