I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
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