I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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