Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
