I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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