had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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