If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
3pm strippers are depressing
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
