i need an iv and a liver transplant
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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