The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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