i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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