hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize