zippers are such a cool invention
The beer is more important than you right now.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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