I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
